20 May Our guilty conscience
LINK TO SHORTHAND: https://lsbu.shorthandstories.com/our-guilty-conscience-/index.html
I have created a multimedia package on immigrant children and how their parents put a lot of pressure on them do very well in life, because some of these parents come from nothing and want their children to achieve the absolute best. I’m an immigrant so I know exactly how it feels to face that pressure. I wanted to share my story and that of hundreds of other young immigrants to raise awareness of the issue and start a conversation.
My piece is aimed at an audience between 16 and 30. If they weren’t reading my feature, they would be reading Refinery29, Buzzfeed or VICE. I have presented my work on the Shorthand website. It includes text with interviews, an exclusive survey, an original animated infographic and photos I sourced myself.
In order to build an informed picture for my readers I did in-depth research, reading academic documents and official reports, carried out my own survey and spoke to numerous case studies and experts in the field. I also worked hard to make the most of multimedia presentation. I learned some basic coding to create my house of style, created my own animations and created an animated infographic.
I am an immigrant, I come from a first-generation immigrant family and I have a guilty conscience. I want to speak about how children of immigrants feel pressure to do well in life.
So why do I have a guilty conscience? It stems from expectation of success that our education will give us. If we do not succeed both academically and financially, we feel like a disappointment to our parents.
This topic is hardly spoken about. We don’t read about the struggles of immigrant children and their parents, even if their families have the best intentions. We keep it to ourselves. We don’t want to be labelled as ungrateful as most of our parents struggled to get us to where we are today.
This is one of the many reasons I have chosen to speak out about this topic. It hits home. And it’s a sore subject for a lot of immigrant children.
It’s important for us to acknowledge that, yes, our parents have done a lot for us. Some have travelled across the world for our benefit. But it isn’t our fault if we don’t always fulfil their ultimate dreams.
Research by Migration Watch U.K says:
“The population of the UK rose by a total of 6.6 million between 2001 and 2016. The latest research shows that just over 80% of this increase was due to immigration – that is to say new immigrants and their UK-born children.”
London is a multicultural hub of people from different walks of life but yet, still feel the same expectations but in different forms, I wanted to explore these thoughts and feelings.
In 2004 a mother moved 5,568 miles away from her four-year-old child. My mother left me in Brazil with her family. She moved to England to give me a better life. She was a single mother and she took any opportunity to better her child’s life.
I didn’t see my mum for four years after she left, we kept in contact through phone calls, these would be every single day, 2-3 times a day. Sometimes we would MSN video call too. At that age a child doesn’t understand what is happening, I didn’t. It was very hard for me to adapt to the situation and I even suffered from depression for a while at the age of four.
My mother always sent me gifts and tried to speak to me as much as she could. Even though she wasn’t present in person, she would try to still be there for me.
My grandma took of the role of a second mother in my life, so did my grandad. They were the people I would go to.
My mother has made many sacrifices to get here and to get me to where I am today. She left her whole family in Brazil, her young daughter to move to a foreign country that she had no knowledge of the language, with no idea how it would turn out. She took a big risk, all for me. She grew up very poor and she wanted me to have a better life than what she did. I’m very grateful for my mother.
In 2007 it was my turn to move away from my comfort zone. My mother finally was able to come to Brazil to pick me up. I still remember the first time I saw my mother, we just burst into tears. It was a very special moment in our lives. The only time we separated again was when I moved to London to start university. Me and my mother are very close to each other.
When I was eight, I started year four. Not speaking one word of English. Not even a simple “how are you?”. At the start it was difficult for me, but as time went on, I started to speak more and more English. By year six I had a good grasp of the English language. That’s when I started helping my mum translate documents, answer phone calls and go to the banks.
I have always felt this responsibility to help my mum since she sacrificed so much for me. I still help my mum now.
I always tried to please my mum by trying my best at school and outside of school to make her happy. Although I feel like that, I also feel a lot of pressure. I understand that she did move across the world to better my life. But I was four years old, I didn’t ask for it. When that is said it sounds very selfish.
I felt pressured in secondary school when I didn’t get my desired grades, I would be very hard on myself. When I would complain about school to my mother she would sometimes say “I never got the chance that you are getting” and this would make me feel very guilty.
I’ve always had a guilty conscience about how I have to do well, otherwise my mother moving here will not count for anything. I feel the need to succeed in life to make her happy. I want her to be proud of the person I am becoming. I want her to be happy with the choice she made, to move halfway across the world.
Everyday I’m thankful for my mother and the sacrifices she has made. She gave up everything for me. And she gave me everything.
There has been little research carried out into the education of first-generation migrants and their children. The research that has been completed shows a mixed picture.
Academics Christian Dustmann and Nikolaos Theodoropoulos created this research paper which investigates educational attainment and economic behaviour of ethnic minority immigrants and their children in Britain. They found that “Both first generation ethnic minority immigrants and British born ethnic minorities have on average higher levels of education as opposed to comparable groups of white natives. Also, the educational improvement relative to their first-generation educational status is larger for most British ethnic minority groups as opposed to white natives.”
UNICEF too has carried out research into the educational achievement of first-generation migrants’ children: “In 2000 there were 5 per cent more university graduates among immigrants than among the White native-born population.”
“Moreover, the results suggest that native-born ethnic minorities are… more likely to obtain higher educational qualifications than are their native- born White peers and that the general educational advantage of the former is substantial. “
“EAL students often begin school in lower grades relative to non-EAL students but appear to make greater subsequent progress so that they catch up to their peers.”
“At least nine youth in ten in every ethnic minority group planned to continue in full-time education, compared with only slightly more than four fifths of White youth. The parents of young people in ethnic minority groups also showed a strong preference that their children continue in full-time education.”
“Immigrant youth are more likely than their native-born counterparts to be in full-time education.”
“Nearly half (48 per cent) of immigrant youth in the 18–24 age group are in school compared with 28.2 per cent of this age group who are native born”
“It is well established that ethnic minorities show relatively larger participation rates in higher and further education than the White majority”
“A range of factors appear to be behind the higher participation rates among ethnic minorities in the United Kingdom. In particular, the aspirations and expectations revolving around the value and benefits of higher qualifications are a more significant positive driver among ethnic minority students, especially in most Asian groups, than among White students.”
I spoke to Fiza Pirani, who is a writer, founder of immigrant mental health storytelling newsletter , Editor at AJC – AtlantaNewsNow and runs her own blog.
Do you think immigrant children feel a lot of pressure to do well in life?
“Absolutely. The bar is much higher it seems, at least in my personal experience. There’s no room for mediocrity. If you decide to pursue something professionally or personally, you have to excel.”
Do you think these expectations are set by their parents?
“I think the expectations are set by our parents’ and grandparents’ and great-grandparents’ circumstances, but I wouldn’t lay all the blame on parents alone. In my experience, a lot of the internal pressure I put on myself is a result of what’s called survivor’s guilt—a concept I dug into for Issue 9 of my newsletter, Foreign Bodies.”
Could all this pressure ruin the relationship between the parents and children?
“Potentially, yes. Especially if you have a family dynamic that doesn’t allow for open-minded conversations and mutual respect between elder and child. There’s a Facebook group called subtle Asian mental health where far too many young people open up about being estranged from their parents because they just couldn’t come to terms with their livelihoods or choices in life that stray from certain “achievements” such as higher degrees, STEM careers, marriage etc. It’s troubling.
In my experience, and I’m lucky—my family is incredibly close—but in my experience, I wasn’t afraid to challenge them at a young age for even the smallest matters. I remember talking about dating as a preteen and telling my parents who were adamant about never dating until adulthood that I’d rather be honest with them than go behind their backs like the rest of my South Asian friends.
There were lots of fights and days without speaking, but I do believe that pushing back I if I felt my parents were in the wrong was critical to how much they’ve changed over the years. But not everyone has this kind of dynamic to rely on. Many young people are afraid of abuse, of retaliation, of being cut off financially. I know I never had to worry about any of that.”
Do you think coming from an immigrant family you feel these pressures more than those who come from that country?
“Not necessarily. In India, the specific pressures may vary, but they certainly exist. I wouldn’t say one is felt to a higher degree than the other.”
Do you think immigrant children grow up with a guilty conscience, due to wanting to make their parents are proud of them?
“Yes. Angie Y. Chung, sociologist and author of Saving Face: The Emotional Costs of the Asian Immigrant Family Myth, says “part of it has to do with the context in which people live their lives. Immigrants usually leave their home countries for a profound reason: war, poverty, persecution. They’re often looking for a way to give their children better opportunities in life.” Many immigrant parents don’t think to prioritise emotional satisfaction, personal happiness or fulfilment the way their children have learned to desire in contemporary America. For them, it was just about surviving.
So, when you, as an immigrant kid, have a roof over your head and food on the table, it makes it that much harder to complain about a toxic work environment or a heartbreak. When you feel like you’re not allowed to complain, the mere thought of complaining adds to the guilt. It’s a constant internal debate—why do I deserve to be happy if my parents suffered? What have I done to deserve a better life?”
Do you think these pressures affect their mental health?
“Absolutely. On guilt: Guilt in general often leads to self-doubt, shame and overall lower self-esteem. It’s also common for those feeling guilty to struggle with concentration, productivity, creativity and efficiency. It brings out “The Dobby Effect,” which Psychology Today refers to as “a psychological tendency for people to employ self-punishment to ward off feelings of guilt.”
In addition, people with mental illnesses already often feel guilty just for having a mental illness. This has to do with the idea that you’re burdening your loved ones with your pain
A majority of first-gen immigrants leave home and go to college to “repay” or help out their families. While many are labeled “saviour” or “delegate,” students also struggle with what’s called breakaway or survivor’s guilt, conflicted feelings that their “desire for education and upward mobility may be viewed as a rejection of their past,” not to mention the guilt of physically leaving loved ones behind. (London, 1989)
Other studies have reiterated that: “An emotion central to key motivations in the migration process is guilt. In the words of one migrant daughter; ‘Guilt, guilt, guilt is what all migrants face!’” (Baldassar, 2014)”
“Lots of factors influence immigrant mental health, but pressure is definitely among the most prominent. There’s pressure to achieve, pressure to marry, pressure to take care of elders, pressure to assimilate without losing sight of our culture. It’s a lot.”
“Does anyone that comes from an immigrant family feel guilty when they don’t achieve something their parent/s wanted them to achieve or feel pressured due to this?”
Rebecca, 20, from Germany “My mother moved us to the U.K. when I was 16 because she saw a brighter future for us here. I don’t think I would have personally chosen to go to university if it wasn’t what my parents wanted, but I wanted to do it for them to thank them for all their support.”
She then proceeded to tell me “I have always felt some sort of expectation to do better than my parents. For example, my dad finished his degree with a 2:1, but wants to see me finish with a first”
Zaynep, 19, from Turkey “For me I’d say 50/50 because my family came to the UK for money and to have a simple relaxed life. So, if I work anywhere, I wouldn’t really feel pressured butt I wanna ‘make it ‘ so they can be proud of me for doing something good for myself. So not to impress them basically” “My parents never forced me and just said so what you want as long as I enjoy my work and get good pay and that’s what I’m doing now!”
Zaynep is currently working at W Communications, a PR company. “And maybe the fact that my sister went to uni but isn’t doing what she wanted to may have affected the way my parents think as well. So, because they’ve seen the result of going to uni is a waste, maybe that is why they didn’t pressure me to go to uni.”
Sofia, 20, from Spain “My parents said that if I fail anything I go back to Spain. I chose to come here obviously, but they help me financially. That’s why there’s more pressure too. My mum didn’t go uni but my dad started a law degree but left halfway.”
She continued “There’s a lot of pressure on us but I guess it’s because they have worked really hard themselves to get here, so they don’t want their sons/daughters to fail.”
Tomasz, 21, from Poland “I’m not really too bothered about achieving anything my mum sets out as I’ve got completely different goals to what she thinks are ‘goals’ she did set pressure a bit when I was going uni and wanted me just to get a good paying job and that’s about it but as soon as I got to uni I realised it’s not really what anyone else thinks about what you do it’s more what you wanna do yourself”
I believe it is extremely important young migrants talk about the effect this is has on our mental health. So many more immigrant children can open up and talk about their struggles. Of course, talking about the subject may create tension with our parents because the challenges they have faced may be considered greater than ours. But it doesn’t make our struggles insignificant.
The expectations placed on young adult migrants can have a big effect on their mental health. They tend to feel isolated, alone and anxious but won’t want to speak out about and because of this a few of them will have a fractured relationship with their parents.
Amira, 20, is from London. Was born in UK, her parents moved to the UK 25 years ago from Egypt due to her father finding a better job offer here.
“Being the first born my parents had a lot of expectations especially high ones from me. They had just moved to the U.K to better my education and that was the number one priority. Throughout my whole life I was always expected to do the best I could and even when I did that wasn’t enough. I remember coming home with good grades, and they wanted more.”
“[I] not only come from an Arab culture but [I’m] also Muslim, which just makes things twice as hard. Both of my parents went to university and graduated which only meant they wanted me to do exactly the same. [In] my opinion [the] English culture is a lot more laid-back as opposed to our culture. I’m just expected to try my hardest and be the best and also just follow in their footsteps even if that means throwing away my dreams for theirs.”
“I don’t really cope with the pressure. I just go along with it. I’ve never really said no, but my brother has gone against what they wanted him to do at university and compared to me I didn’t really disagree, I just did what they wanted me to.
“All this pressure has definitely [affected my mental health], not only all the pressure from society and life in general [but] I also feel like I get more upset when I don’t do what [my parents] they want or if I don’t please them how they want me to. It’s emotional abuse. I don’t necessarily get punished for not doing what they want [me to do] but they definitely make me feel bad about it and remind me every day.”
“In [my parents] their culture their main priority is [me] being the best and becoming the best especially being a female and just marrying off. But coming from Egypt and also being westernised is hard because, I do want to stick with my culture but then everything around me has told me not to.”
All this pressure makes families break apart. The expectation set by our parents can fracture our relationships with them. I spoke to two young adults and who told me about their broken relationship with their parents.
Thais, 19, from Brazil described her strict Christian family and how she coped with the pressures put on her by her parents.
“My parents have always said that I had to go to university so that I could have a better future compared to theirs, as they weren’t able to go to university. They allowed me to pick what I wanted to study but they were very concerned when I picked psychology because they felt I wasn’t smart enough.”
“This is was very hard for me to deal with during secondary school because I always had that reminder that not even my own parents thought I was capable, and that if I failed, I would be a disappointment to them. It definitely had a big impact on my insecurities.”
Her parents never gave her the opportunity to decide if she wanted to go university. They had already made that decision for her.
“My parents never really asked me if I wanted to go [university] or what I thought about it. I guess you could say deep down I wanted to go to university because my secondary school had taught me that I could have a better quality of life if I went, however, it would have been nice to know that I had the option, and that it would have been okay if I didn’t go.”
Having a strict religious family, affected her relationship with her parents. She was committed to going church and following the rules set out for her.
“My parents are heavily Christian, meaning that I had to go to church every week and everything in my life and what I did had to please them and God.”
Being forced to follow strict rules can really take a toll on you, especially when you don’t want to follow those rules. Thais wanted to be able to make her decisions, make her own choices but it wasn’t possible for her to.
“My parents definitely expect me to follow in Christian footsteps. It has always been like that since I was little, everything I did wrong it meant that God was going to punish me, any music that didn’t ‘glorify the Lord’ was banned, I wasn’t allowed to wear certain clothes because it was too revealing, I wasn’t allowed to hang out with friends who weren’t Christians, I wasn’t allowed to make my own choices without consulting them and God first, and lastly I wasn’t allowed to date anyone who didn’t share the same beliefs as them. “
After following their rules for many years, Thais decided to start making her own by getting into a relationship. This made a massive impact in her life, she finally was able to do something that benefited her. However her parents did not approve of it.
“I am currently in a long term relationship with my boyfriend of 4 years, and I have had to keep my relationship a secret because I know my parents will not approve of him, this has made my life very hard and had a big toll on my mental health.”
She has to hide the relationship, so that she can continue to allow her studies in London.
“I genuinely love him and I want to build a future with him and to know my parents will never accept that just makes me so angry and upset because I feel like they won’t let me live my own life and everything I do has to please them. It just makes me feel like nothing I do will make them proud of me and I’ll always be seen as the disgrace of the family.”
When asked “have all these pressures stopped you from having a proper relationship with your parents?” She gave me a clear, yes!
“Since I was little I have never had a close relationship with my parents because I was always scared of doing something wrong and being told off for it, this has always made me feel like I couldn’t talk to them about my feelings or any of my problems.”
“I’ve just grown up to be independent and seek help and information from anywhere else but my parents. Sometimes I wish I could start to form a close relationship with them, but I feel like they wouldn’t understand.”
Not only has it affected her relationship with her parents, but these pressures and expectations have taken a toll on her mental health.
“When they didn’t support me in my life choices and only wanted me to do what they deemed to be ‘good’ for me. It made me feel really depressed for a while until my boyfriend and friends supported me and made me realise that I can’t just do everything to try and please my parents, my happiness is more important.”
Even though she’s not truly able to have a relationship or friends from outside church, Thais continues to pursue both. And these are the people who support her when her parents don’t.
She went on explain how she feels that immigrant children feel a lot more pressure than British children.
“I feel like British families don’t really go through the same pressures as immigrant families. There’s a lot of strict cultural traditions that many immigrant families want to follow through on even if they live in a different country. For example, things like speaking different languages, following religion, hanging out with people who are from the same culture, having to celebrate certain events etc.”
There can be a positive outcome to this story. The next generation of immigrant children do seem to feel less pressure than their parents did, Daisy, 21, from London is a third-generation immigrant. Her father comes from an Indian family.
“My dad did not put any pressure on me when growing up, he always encouraged me to follow my dreams and do what made me happy, I had a lot of trouble discovering what exactly I wanted to do so I ended up doing multiple things like a-levels, makeup college and now musical theatre and my dad has always supported me and encouraged me as much as he could. He always told me it was very important to do something that makes me happy too.”
“My dad didn’t pressure me because I believe he received negative encouragement when he was younger, my dad wanted to be a DJ and musician but unfortunately he didn’t receive any support and I believe his parents told him that he needed to find a ‘real job’. From that my dad didn’t have the support to fulfil his true dreams and then in the future ended up training as an electrician. Because of this, my dad always wanted me to follow my dreams because my dad didn’t get to follow his or have the opportunities”
She goes on to say “I will not pressure my kids to do what I want them to do, I will encourage them to pursue their career or choice and support them, negative pressure I believe is not healthy, but I will try my best to give them the opportunities they want and also introduce them to things maybe I think will be fun for them, if they don’t like it that’s their choice, and I will never force them!”
I can see the same pattern forming in my own life. My younger sister is a second-generation immigrant and has already experienced less pressure than I have. From her age I was already helping my mum by translating documents, ringing places and making appointments. My sister doesn’t have to do any of that. But she has to follow my footsteps in our mother’s eyes, and this will feel like a lot of pressure when she is older.
So, where do we go from here? It is clear that young immigrants need to open up more and share their stories and how much pressure they feel. They also need to gain more support from their schools and colleges to help them talk about the challenge of balancing their dreams with those of their parents’ choices. More research needs to be conducted to understand the issues faced by immigrant children. There should also be more mental health services for all children and young people, which will benefit young migrants.
Most of all we have stay hopeful and remember we aren’t alone.
If you’re struggling with your mental health or know anyone someone that is, these are some organisations that are able to help:
If you would like to learn more about the mental health on immigrants you can do so by look at the Gov.uk website.
